Today I was just thinking to myself about ways that I can incorporate more of my life into the world wide web.
Then I remembered this Blurb that I made in 2012, where I was planning to put up several blog posts. Naturally curious of what I wrote a year ago- I went through and read them.
Now 2012 was a weird year for me. It can be bundled into one big period of my life where I was different than I ever was.
I was depressed. I didn't believe I had any reason at all which justified that dark cloud than hung over my head. In a way, as I grew out my hair from a pixie cut, I grew out of this depression.
Truly, the weird part of my life started in the Fall of 2011 and dipped into 2012.
Do I have the best reason of all time to be even remotely sad, no. For one, what makes someone sad is relative, for another, there are orphaned children starving and suffering from aids because some jerkbutt believed that having sex with a virgin would cure them.
For me, it was really the matter of loosing my best friends. Two girls I loved as sisters, and not having any real sister at all, I clung to them probably more than I would have a biological sister. But it was balanced, because they seemed to have mutual feelings toward me.
What threw me for a loop was when they each single-handedly threw their lives into the toilet, used the toilet, then wept in my arms about how awful their lives were. Sure, they didn't cause everything, but no one was forcing them to enter an abusive relationship and no one was forcing them to risk their lives through alcohol poisoning.
I was also completely isolated from support. People who I thought cared about me fairly well abandoned me just because I couldn't be around them so much anymore and I just punished myself. (It didn't really help that the community college I transfered to was full of depressing individuals who believed very strongly that they had no brain and so they were too insecure to use it.
"I'm not going to lie to myself. This is the retarded kids' class and I belong here." - quote from one of my classmates.)
I threw ten pounds out the window because I didn't feel as though I deserved a real meal. I judged myself based on the world's perspective and I valued their opinion over God's opinion- which is really stupid if you think about it. Jesus died very painfully on the cross because I, and you, we are his most valuable possessions. (That's why the Devil is after our souls after all.)
I was so profusely depressed, that I literally watched "My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic" because I needed a sugary, happy steroid to keep me from melting.
I got to a tipping point where I was finally about to unleash anger toward God himself, when I hesitated. Wait... God didn't do anything against me. Why am I mad at him? I should be asking him for help.
Right there. That was my wake up call.
From then on, it was time of rebuilding. Rebuilding my relationship with God. Rebuilding my ability to feel emotions again. Rebuilding my ability to converse with others and to initiate interaction.
I wouldn't have minded if those ten pounds had stayed outside the window, but in loosing my ability to justify punishing myself, I didn't have the resolve to keep delicious food out of my reach. As hard as I try to tell myself that I would look better 20 lbs lighter, I don't hate me anymore and I'm too darned positive about myself.
Sure. Nothing was extreme about my case... but that's what made it so deadly. It never seemed serious. I am a ninja. Nobody notices when I disappear because I've always had a quiet demeanor.
Overall, when I look back, it is rather strange. It's as though I'm looking at a child who is pretending to be an adult. I'll probably say the same thing about my present self in the future- but truly, my past self was insane. Everything was urgent. Every little thing sent my world crashing down.
I'm definitely not all grown up yet. But growing up, it's like slowly your mind becomes clearer as you connect more dots, dots you didn't even see when you were younger.
Just makes me wonder what my perspective could possibly be 20 years from now.
(^/\^) \(*o*)/ (~u*)
I want to give you a sincere congratulations for moving out of the dark period in your life. Some people don't do that for a much longer time (one year of your life is pretty short in the scheme of things). I personally spent six years in an emotionally abusive relationship with someone I thought I was good friends with. I didn't develop an eating disorder, but I completely lost who I was for all those years.
ReplyDeleteIt's an amazing feeling to be able to move out of the dark, to find the light at the end of the tunnel (not to intentionally quote your title). It's a liberating feeling to know you are no longer tethered to your past and can move your life in a positive direction :)
I never would have guessed from your videos you used to be depressed, I look forward to them every month!
And, try not to get too hung up on a few pounds. Do a lot of us want to lose a few? Sure, but it's good that you can love yourself regardless. Society's standards of women are just absurd, and I don't buy into any of it. Be you! You're an awesome person :)
Google failed to notify me about your comment. T^T
DeleteThank you so much for your kind words. And I'm sorry that you had to endure being in the dark for so long. And yes, you are completely right, you don't know the feeling of enslavement until you've tasted freedom again. I wasn't aware of how sad I was. I feel like a different person, but not as I imagined how it would feel. It feels like I'm looking back at a child who didn't understand diddly-squat.
I never thought that I'd care either way about the way I look. But that's because my whole life I was comfortable and had nearly zero insecurities.(Drove my mom bananas sometimes.((Mooom! I don't wanna tweeze my eyebrows, it looks like it hurts!!)) But it did give my bullies a lack of ammunition.) I think that in my depression, I was looking to make things better, anything better, and I picked my appearance. Once you see something is "wrong" it's kind of hard to "unsee" it. :/
Love reading your comments,
~Meg