Megumi the Blackhole of Meaningless Depression

So if you've been watching my videos on Youtube... you'll notice a decrease in the number of videos that I've been posting. I used to post every week, but lately I've only been posting monthly and that's to update the growth of my pixie cut.


Well I haven't given up on my dream of have a ton of fun making/posting videos... if anyone was wondering about that....


But to be honest... I've been super depressed. Which to many is odd.


It's one of those spiral depression things. Something upsets me and I start guilt tripping myself which makes me feel worse. "Your best friend is having real issues and all you can think about is how you had to clean the bathroom?!"


So as I beat myself up, trying to tell myself that I have nothing to feel bad about... I also start listing things that make me feel bad.


No one would notice if I just melted away... I don't have my license yet... I'm not doing anything with my life... I don't have a job... I've never been kissed...

Self pity party-- Yaay!

A few days ago, my two besties were having a ranting spree about their issues. How so and so wronged them and such and such keeps happening, and I'm sitting there, feeling upset as well, trying to express how I had an anxiety attack the other day. They both snapped at me, not exactly saying it but their meaning was known. I really had nothing to complain about in comparison.

Back to my corner of self abuse. Thinking about taking on cutting to punish myself... Not really. I would probably do taxes as punishment than cut myself.



I'm sitting there trying to figure out why I'm so depressed and anxious when it hits me. The pattern becomes clear.


Sure I've got a few rough spots, but one of the reasons why I'm so down is because I'm just like this alien from Doctor Who.

Well... kind of... sort of....

Maybe a little less.... lumpy.


Basically this villain is an Abzorbaloff. He "absorbs" people and aliens and eats their memories/experiences... basically he consumes their soul.


ANYHOOT


Like the Abzorbaloff, I absorb things. Specifically I absorb the feelings of people around me. If my friends aren't happy- I'm not happy. Plain and simple as that.

It's hard to sit next to a friend who's telling you about how horrible their life is at the moment and all you have to say about yours is... "well I've got an 103% as an over all grade in my Art History and Appreciation class..."

I guess it's really just me trying to relate to them so that I can tell them, "I know it's hard right now but it'll get better!"

Maybe in a way I'm lowering my standards, my "status" so that I can help them.

So maybe I've got to find that Chipper self and find a new way to help my friends.


I am feeling a lot better. Despite that huge paper that's due tomorrow. I took a huge chunk of work that I need to focus on off my "to do" list for the week and I feel like a weight has been taken off my shoulders. :)



In all honesty I really have been stressed. But summer is almost here and that lake is calling my name!!

So basically... when I feel even better... more video and blog posts are looking your way. ;)

Entomophobia

It seemed like only yesterday I was staring shocked at a test result I took on Facebook. I took it like a smarty-pants and expected it to tell me that I had no phobia. Well it told me I had Entomophobia. I was so confused. You see- I wasn't that little girl who ran away from all bugs of all sorts. I loved them. I collected rolly pollies and felt terrible when my cousin showed me how to make my hands glow with a dead firefly. It wasn't just those. I loved crickets, frogs, toads, worms, snails, butterflies, lady bugs, preying mantises, and even some spiders. I know many of those aren't techically bugs- but it's close enough for a kid.

There were always those few insects that I just could not stand, spiders that looked mean and anything that would bite or sting me. 

Since then I've had quite a few experiences with bugs that have created this phobia in me.

One event was the "Year of the Spiders and Wasps" as I like to put it. At my house we seem to have a multitude of different species every year. One year we had millions of Vietnamese lady bugs, another we had a million frogs, and another example would be those rare blue tailed lizards that hide under our porch. This particular year we had a million spiders and a million wasps. Their home base was our wrap around porch. You literally could not walk outside without fear of walking into those large spiral webs. Orbed Spiders mostly were our invaders, but we found probably fifteen black widows on our porch that summer.

It also just so happened to be a year that our dryer broke down and we were hanging our laundry on the porch to air-dry. I actually broke down in tears when I found a huge spider on a shirt I was folding. 

An interesting side note- spiders and wasps are enemies. All of those black widows we found on our porch were dead. We were very curious about the cause when we caught the culprit in the act. The wasps were literally stinging the spiders to death. 

So I sided with the wasps that year, I figured they were the lesser of the two evils.

The moral of the story is, when spiders create traps that will cause them to fall on your head and crawl down your back you tend to develop a phobia. I know that the fear of spiders is a different phobia altogether- but it increased my fear of other bugs as well.

I've been home alone, in a panic with a vacuum cleaner, trying to kill the wasp so that I could do whatever I needed to do in that room. 

But I'm not just afraid of the obvious villains. I've also come to fear other bugs, bugs that people would never dream of fearing.

One of these would be the Crane fly. I know, I know they aren't giant turkey mosquitoes.. but I really can't imagine anything else. I fear they've come to get me and they're going to bite like a horse fly. Also a bit fearful of them because they tend to crash land onto my face while I'm trying to snooze.

The one that I've been trying to forget- for the sake of my reputation- is the butterfly. The Tiger Swallowtail Butterfly to be exact.

There I was, minding my own business, when I saw a butterfly with an injured wing. She couldn't fly on her own, so fascinated I decided to pick her up. I handled her carefully, knowing that I couldn't touch her wings- even if she was going to die anyway. I watched lovingly as she nuzzled my thumb. All of a sudden, as I was watching the nuzzling, I felt a pinch exactly where she was "licking" In a panic I shook her off my finger and since then have been very... cautious around butterflies.