Well I haven't given up on my dream of have a ton of fun making/posting videos... if anyone was wondering about that....
But to be honest... I've been super depressed. Which to many is odd.
It's one of those spiral depression things. Something upsets me and I start guilt tripping myself which makes me feel worse. "Your best friend is having real issues and all you can think about is how you had to clean the bathroom?!"
So as I beat myself up, trying to tell myself that I have nothing to feel bad about... I also start listing things that make me feel bad.
No one would notice if I just melted away... I don't have my license yet... I'm not doing anything with my life... I don't have a job... I've never been kissed...
Self pity party-- Yaay!
A few days ago, my two besties were having a ranting spree about their issues. How so and so wronged them and such and such keeps happening, and I'm sitting there, feeling upset as well, trying to express how I had an anxiety attack the other day. They both snapped at me, not exactly saying it but their meaning was known. I really had nothing to complain about in comparison.
Back to my corner of self abuse. Thinking about taking on cutting to punish myself... Not really. I would probably do taxes as punishment than cut myself.
I'm sitting there trying to figure out why I'm so depressed and anxious when it hits me. The pattern becomes clear.
Sure I've got a few rough spots, but one of the reasons why I'm so down is because I'm just like this alien from Doctor Who.
Well... kind of... sort of....
Maybe a little less.... lumpy.
Basically this villain is an Abzorbaloff. He "absorbs" people and aliens and eats their memories/experiences... basically he consumes their soul.
ANYHOOT
Like the Abzorbaloff, I absorb things. Specifically I absorb the feelings of people around me. If my friends aren't happy- I'm not happy. Plain and simple as that.
It's hard to sit next to a friend who's telling you about how horrible their life is at the moment and all you have to say about yours is... "well I've got an 103% as an over all grade in my Art History and Appreciation class..."
I guess it's really just me trying to relate to them so that I can tell them, "I know it's hard right now but it'll get better!"
Maybe in a way I'm lowering my standards, my "status" so that I can help them.
So maybe I've got to find that Chipper self and find a new way to help my friends.
I am feeling a lot better. Despite that huge paper that's due tomorrow. I took a huge chunk of work that I need to focus on off my "to do" list for the week and I feel like a weight has been taken off my shoulders. :)
In all honesty I really have been stressed. But summer is almost here and that lake is calling my name!!
So basically... when I feel even better... more video and blog posts are looking your way. ;)
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