Growing up in high school- I always figured that I would be dating some guy at least once in my life- so I decided to prepare myself. My church provided a Bible study following the book, "Guys like Girls Who..." by Chad Eastham, among other great Bible studies, I felt this one gave the best general advice about guys. At the time anyway.
It gives great advice and I still go by what it reads, but it didn't cover everything. Actually it implied that you shouldn't think about dating and just live your life normally and wait for Mr. Right to find you. This is what I've come to disagree with.
Maybe I should elaborate.
I have only had two major "crushes" in my life. The first was this guy that seemed to be perfect. I loved what he had to say at church, I became friends with his whole family before I knew they were related, and I found out that he was an artist also. I was concerned though, he had a lot of girl friends. Not girlfriends, a friend that happens to be a girl. And they were always flirtatious around him. Feeling like he would never approach me and sweep me off my feet, I finally called him and asked to come over. He said yes, thankfully, and sounded excited. When I finally got there it became very awkward. It was like he expected me to be the man in the relationship and lead the whole thing. He wasn't going to give me anything and we never really hung out again. He continued to lead me on though, giving me attention then ignoring my existence. There was a point that I seriously thought he was finally going to see the light an ask me out, because we were at a dance and he was being a little forward in a good way. After that he stopped giving me anything and a month later I found out he started dating one of his girl friends.
What else could I do? I forced myself to stop liking him and murdered the crush. But I was like a kid with a butcher knife. I didn't know how to do it cleanly and I ended up hacking at my self confidence while I was at it.
The next guy that I liked it was even worse. I don't think that we exchanged two words between us. But it was one of those they obviously find you attractive, just not enough to make any moves. I couldn't talk to him and the whole thing turned into some weird obsession with a stranger. To this day I'll probably be sweet on him, but for the most part I've forgotten him.
Now I have also had two, well three if you count the kid from the fourth grade, guys who were interested in me. The first guy was my first real friend from college. He was there the first day to help me carry my stuff. He was the kind of guy you would end up spending hours just talking. It was nice because we got along really well. I even considered dating him, but I saw some red flags so I decided to keep it at friends length. The first red flag was that he was a senior and I was a freshman, in college. This meant that after this year he was leaving to go pursue a job. I was just starting college, I wasn't sure if I even wanted a relationship, especially one with a guy who was going to be gone soon. Long distant relationships can work; but I feel like they need some foundation first. He might have been able to persuade me into dating him anyway, but as he started liking me liking me, I started liking him less. He was insecure about his appearance so he would beat himself up in front of me, so naturally I would compliment him. Then he would smother me to the point it was ridiculous, five phone calls to see if I'm going to lunch is just a little bit creepy. Then the final thing was that he loved drama. He would literally force me into situations in which I got hurt just so that he could come as my knight in shining armor and rescue me. That's not right.
The second guy didn't get as close, but he was a druggie and was moving out of state in the coming semester. I didn't really give him a chance and during one of the last times I saw him I found out he was kind of an ass.
So here's my point. Through these four guys, I found that everyone, including myself were trying to take things too seriously too soon. And I probably missed out on some good guys because I didn't have the guts to talk to them.
I became frustrated because no one was approaching me. It drove me insane because I thought that if I were to approach them, I'd be too easy and he wouldn't work for me. Like my first experience with a guy. Seriously, it's like talking to a wall when the guy wants you to do everything.
But I think that this semester I finally found the trick. It won't get you a boyfriend instantly, but it will get you on the right track. Ok here it is.
Are you ready?
Are you sure?
Because it'll require you to grow a backbone.
TALK TO GUYS.
Even if you don't like them, just get used to talking to them and being around them. Try to avoid a school girl crush where you obsess with them and can't talk to them. If you can't talk to them, that's a very bad sign. How in the world are you going to create a relationship with someone you can't even talk to?
To beat the point to the ground, let's turn the tables.
You are in the presence of a guy that you think is interesting. No real sparks yet, but there could be. In fact you are so curious and interested in him that you decide to talk to him. But a problem comes along. He becomes unresponsive and won't talk to you. You can tell he wants to but he just can't do it.
Lets say you call it the cute card and decide to pursue him anyway. You become in charge of the whole relationship. If you want to go out to diner you have to make it happen because he's too scared to try. You introduce him to your friends but he's too shy to get to know them. He perks up when you start a conversation he's comfortable with but won't provide anything new.
How is this relationship going to end?
Relationships need to be balanced. Yes it's the man's job to lead, but not to rule. A guy would find a girl who behaves this way just as unattractive as you would. Healthy relationships want guys and girls who are balanced and are equals- and I'm not talking physically. I mean two people who can sit down and talk for hours. Who can laugh at each other's jokes and really understand each other.
This is where you should put yourself. And if you're not fretting about the guys you're around, your face will show it. Try making eye contact and smiling at strangers. It really gives off that friendly-I'm-not-going-to-kill-you-if-you-talk-to-me vibe. You would be surprised at some of the people you thought were intimidating were just having a bad day.
If a guy starts talking to you, be responsive and add input. If he's talking about the test and how easy it was- tell him honestly how to felt about it. If he thinks your and idiot because you felt like you flopped it- then he's not the guy for you. Avoiding that high school crush will help you not be too sensitive when the guy isn't that interested in you. It stops feeling like your entire future depends on if this guy likes you or not and starts feeling like it should. Casual.
Do you see the difference between being slutty, being friendly, and isolating yourself?
I've made a resolution to be more open and get as close to having a boyfriend as possible this year. If I don't get a boyfriend I won't be too disappointed because I only want to try and make myself available. And honestly this new tactic is working. I've got random guys approaching me and talking to me. This didn't really happen for me before. I hope that one of them turns out to be a guy that I like and fits within my standards, because boy am I ready to start dating.
After the first few times of having conversations with guys it really does become a less of a deal. And I don't have to worry if one guy turns out to be someone I don't want to date because I have options and can slide them from possible romantic interest to acquaintance/friend.
I really hope that this helps. I know a lot of people are scared or don't want to throw their shy-but-cute card out the window. So don't. You can be a little shy and you can be a little scared, just not to the point that you are unable to interact with the guy.
See you guys later!
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